Quentin Tarantino presents... utter crap!

Hostel

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Quentin Tarantino presents?!? Wow. I love Tarantino. I love the movies he directs. But I have to say that I don't love most of the movies tagged with the ominous "Quentin Tarantino presents" tag. There have been a couple who have bore that heavy burden. Iron Monkey comes to mind. Now, compared to Hostel, Iron Monkey is friggin Pulp Fiction (Let it be known that Pulp is MovieGuy's favourite movie).

I reviewed Edison Force earlier, and said it was very close to getting the infamous 'Steaming Pile of Crap' award. Hostel was even closer. It was during a recent trip to the movie theatre to see Saw 3 that my brother and I both said that Hostel was one of the worst movies ever made. This statement is really true. This movie is so fucking terrible, I couldn't believe it. People have said that Eli Roth's movie, Cabin Fever is one of the worst movies ever made. I haven't seen it, but there is a copy in my house waiting to be watched.

So, Hostel. Some kids go to somewhere in Europe. Smoke some dope. Meet some girls. Get laid. Then die. Basically sums up the entire movie.

Now, for the excuse. The ominous one star looming up there. The beginning twenty to thirty minutes are honestly creepy. I kept waiting for it to get really creepy. You know, like, palm sweating, edge-of-your-seat creepy. It was around the time when the surgeon slipped on some blood or something and the chainsaw cut his own leg (or arm) off that I started going, 'What the hell is this?' And I spent the rest of the movie wondering that, and also wondering why I was watching this piece of trash.

Hostel ends up being another run-of-the-mill churned out product of the machine that keeps producing terrible horror movies. This one joins a long line of recent "horror" that just isn't a true horror movie. This one is crap. Not a steaming pile of it, sadly. Just a regular pile of it.

He's bringin' sexy back, but that brother don't know how to act!

Edison Force

*

So, Edison Force. What does one say about this one? I dont know where to begin really. As you can see by the one star, I didn't give this one the infamous 'steaming pile of crap' review... but its about as close to getting said review as any movie on here. Come on, even Stay Alive got one star, so this one should get at least that.

So, here's the story: Edison is a fictional city with a crazy crime rate. They form a new police force called F.R.A.T (Firearmed Response and Tactical... I think...) and turn the city around. But it turns out that the F.R.A.T. isn't as straight-laced as everyone believes. A reporter (JT, Mr. Sexyback, Mr. Cameron Diaz, Justing Timberlake) overhears a brief conversation between Rafe Deed (LL Cool J) and a convict and this leads him on a journalistic journey to find out what is really going on in Edison.

Ok, so the premise sounds good, right? Guess what... It ain't.

Listen to this cast: Morgan Freeman, Kevin Spacey, LL Cool J, Justin Timberlake, Dylan McDermott, John Heard, Cary Elwes, Piper Perabo, Roselyn Sanchez. How is this movie so bad? Come on... if I was making a movie, I would kill to have any one of any of these actors in my film. The story in this one isn't so bad. Its a neat idea. But were there too many twists? Maybe. Where there too many characters in a movie that is only 99 minutes long? Maybe. Would this have been better had it been like two and a half hours long and directed by someone like Scorcese? I doubt it.

Don't get me wrong, I like bad movies. But there are bad movies and there are things like Edison Force. Its just plain terrible. It had everything going for it, but the payoff just wasn't there for me. Potential? Yes. Brutal to watch and not worth ever, EVER laying ones hands on again? Of course.

I bet there are even some screaming, giddy school girls somewhere, who are totally in love with Justin Timberlake, who didn't like this movie. And if those teeny-boppers say its no good, then the MovieGuy MUST be right!

(PS-- I had to give this movie one star because as much as I don't want to admit this... based on the cast, I wanted to see it... on the cast, except Timberlake... ok, I wanted to see how bad Timberlake's acting was)

oh, the Japanese horror...

Audition

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So, I've been hearing all kinds of talk about Japanese horror films. I've seen the American remakes of The Ring and Dark Water, but I haven't seen the original Japanese movies. Nor have I seen the whole other slew of oriental freakshow movies. Until now.

Audition is a bizarre tale. Almost two movies in one film. One story is a love story between a widower and the woman he's cast in his next movie. The other is a story of revenge between the woman and basically every man she knows.

So, when Aoyama loses his wife, his son and business partner convince him to start dating again. When his partner convinces him to use the audition process on their next movie to scout potential women, this is when the trouble ensues. Aoyama falls in love with a woman named Asami, but she isn't a normal woman. No, no, she's had some problems in the past. Like being abused by her step father, which left her with physical and emotional scars. And, there's that big canvas bag that keeps moving around in her living room...

Honestly, I have to admit that there were parts of this movie I might have understood more had I watched it a second time, I just couldn't though. The gruesome part at the end was almost painful to watch and was scary, but it almost seemed to come from nowhere. The movie did do a wonderful job of building tension (which is one of the cardinal rules of horror/suspense), but I thought the payoff was a little weak.

All in all, I thought Audition had a lot of potential, but just didn't deliver overall for me. Hopefully the next couple Japanese horror movies I watch are better than this one.

Hey... Hey, look.... it's that kid from Malcolm in the Middle...

Stay Alive


Official MovieGuy Review:
*

Its movies like this one that make me wonder how is it that movie production studios read a script for a movie like Stay Alive and think, a) this movie is going to be really fantastic, we must make it, and b) this movie is so good that we're going to make tons of money when it comes out in the theatre.

Since I don't want to spend tons of time on this one, I'll give you a super(small)sized review. Kid plays a video game and dies. Shortly thereafter, something kills him in real life. His friend gets the game. When he gets a group of them to play, they start getting picked off. Thats about it.

This one gets one star for the simple fact that the villain, Elizabeth Bathory, looked creepy... but wasn't scary.

Some Quick Facts about Stay Alive:

• I watched the regular version (there's an unrated one out there) which was approx. 85 minutes long. It took me three nights to watch it because it was so bad
• Stay Alive has a character named Phineas... who was also a character in A Seperate Peace... a book that I hated almost as much as I hated this movie
• Stay Alive grossed $23 million dollars at the box office. Which means, at an average of $10 per movie ticket, 2.3 million people were duped into seeing this in theatres
• iMDB's Stay Alive page is located here
• Rotten Tomatoes Stay Alive page is here. Its a lot of fun

did teenagers really wear hip hugger jeans and tight tanks in '73?

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Official MovieGuy Review

* * *

After hearing nothing but good things about this recent remake, MovieGuy decided to finally go out and rent the damn thing. I've seen the original Chainsaw Massacre, years ago, and remember being scared from it. It was sheer fright. It was going back to my eternal debate for horror films of horror versus gore. The original was horrifying. This remake is gorifying.

Here's the rundown: teenagers in '73 headed to a Skynard concert. Along the way, there's a girl hitchiking (sort of) so they pick her up. She kills herself... and the kids go into a town to call for help. But this town isnt normal. Its run by some crazed family. They go back to the family's house to use a phone... Leatherface is there. Mayhem ensues. Jessica Biel runs quickly with a tight bra and white tank top, of course. There's chasing. Fighting. Sawing. You know the drill... or chainsaw... whatever...

I liked this movie. I laugh when I say it, but I enjoyed it. There was a bit of tension, and gore. It wasnt as scary as I thought (or heard) it was, but it was still an enjoyable bit of moviemaking.

There have been a lot of remake movies out recent. Most bad. Some good. (I really liked the remake of The Hills Have Eyes). But I'm finding there is a lot of movies these days going for gore value over horror value. Nothing seems to be scary anymore. The Saw sequals were gory, but not scary. This remake of Chainsaw Massacre falls into the gory catagory. Its not sick gory. But it is not scary. MovieGuy is planning a mini-essay about horror versus gore in movies. This movie will be mentioned.

Overall, the movie was good. Gore doesn't bother me. But lack of good quality horror is bothering me. So, while the kids are enjoying the gory movies and calling them 'scary' MovieGuy wants to know, why doesn't anyone make movies as good as Psycho, Halloween, The Thing, Jaws, The Shining or The Blair Witch Project? (Yeah, I said it... Blair Witch was scary as hell)

you must perform black market brain surgery... should you choose to accept this mission

Battle of the Year!!

Saw 3 vs Mission Impossible 3

Ok, so Saw 3 takes on Mission Impossible 3.

For the first time in a long time, MovieGuy went to the theatre and it was to see the family favourite, Saw 3. It was a rather interesting night at the movies, filled with the regular Saw fare: gore, gore, screaming and gore. (Highlights were the shotgun shell collar and the brain surgery... watch it... trust me) I can honestly say that I've enjoyed the Saw franchise. I thought the first one was a wonderful piece of moviemaking. No kidding. It was one of the few "horror" movies to come along in a long time that was both suspenseful and scary. I thought the second Saw movie was good, but not as good as the first. And now, with the third, its obvious that the only reason the "filmmakers" are continuing to make these movies is to see how much blood they can get on screen before making someone puke in the theatre. Now, in all honesty, the Saw movies are gross... but I saw (firsthand) people throwing up in and aisles from the Blair Witch Project. I'm not sure if I would want to see more Saw movies. But with the way this one ended, and with some crafty writing, and not giving anything away, the franchise could live on.

Saw 3 review: * * *

I watched M:I:3 (their sub-title... not mine) on dvd. I was a HUGE fan of the first MI movie, and a very big non-supporter of MI2. Granted, I love John Woo too, but MI2 was clicheed even for Woo. And now, there is a third one. JJ Abrams directed the third, and it ends up being a mish-mash of the other two MI movies. I give it two and a half stars for a couple reasons. The scene on the bridge was amazing and Ving Rhames is the man. Total waste of Laurence Fishburne and Philip Seymour Hoffman. And what the HELL is the girl from Felicity doing in a big screen movie with real actors??? It was compleely mediocre. I think I might have liked spending my time better watching trash like Stay Alive.

Mission Impossible 3 review: * * 1/2

this could be frightening...

Movie Gossip...

So, around Halloween, I always like to watch one of three movies. Halloween, which I regard as one of the greatest horror movies of all time, Young Frankenstein, which is one of the funniest movies of all time, and The Rocky Horror Picture Show, which is one of the most bizzare movies or all time.

I heard recently that a remake of Rocky Horror could be in the works, and that none other than everyone's favourite actor/musician/anti-Christ, Marilyn Manson could be playing Dr. Frank-n-Furter. Great... one more movie for the MovieGuy to see...

+ =

a BIG fucking nightmare!

Official Statement from the MovieGuy's Desk

Dearest MovieFans,

Ok, so aparently the MovieGuy hasn't been heard from in a long time. A lot has changed since I last posted a review. I've watched lots of movies since then, just haven't blogged them. I even drafted a review of Dark Water and never got around to posting it. Its still here, but I don't think it'll ever get posted, so just let it be known that the MovieGuy liked Dark Water.

So, this statement is vowing that I will continue to review the movies I see... the good, the bad, and the terrible... and especially the ultra-terrible. As I, the MovieGuy, would call them, 'Steaming Pile of Crap' movies. So, all hail the return of the MovieGuy! All hail the return of Blog Reviews of Movies! All Hail the Steaming Pile of Crap Movies!

Coming Soon:

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Jessica Biel version)
Land of the Dead
V for Vendetta
Hellboy
Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
Stay Alive