Liar, liar, pants on fire

Cry Wolf

Official MovieGuy review:






I refuse to waste much time on this one. I didnt think it was going to be good. I just didnt think it was going to be as bad as it was. On the case for the DVD, it said something about how this movie won some award from Chrysler for best first feature or something. Great, car companies judging movies? Thats almost as bad as me calling myself a critic. But that's also as bad as calling Cry Wolf a feature film. Or a film. This is one of those pieces of crap I mentioned in the review of Red Eye as being the fodder that is currently littering the shelves of the video store. I can't believe this was in theatres. I've seen way better direct-to-video movies. I can't believe that this movie is out on DVD for people to buy. I can't imagine going into Wal-Mart and seeing a big display of this movie. I can't imagine someone saying, 'Oh, I can't wait til Cry Wolf comes out on DVD, so I can buy it." It should come with a disclaimer on the wrapper that says something like "Caution! This movie sucks ass. Buy with caution!" Cry Wolf is the first movie on the MovieGuy blog to earn the dubious 'Steaming Pile of Crap' review. Viewer beware!

Oh, that Cillian Murphy and his creepy smile

Red Eye

Official MovieGuy review:
* * *

So, you thought that degree in tourism and travel would pay off, right? You thought it would get you a nice job at a nice hotel somewhere and get you all kinds of cushy travel vouchers and discounts on flights all over the world to the places you've always wanted to see? I bet you didn't think it could get you in the middle of a plot to kill the head of Homeland Security and involved in a wonderful game of cat and mouse with Cillian Murphy.

Wes Craven directed this sweet little gem of a flick and it ended up that it wasn't anything like I thought it was going to be. From the commercials, I thought it was going to be a typical Craven slasher flick. Well, it isnt. And I really liked it.

Craven proves that he isnt a one trick pony and can make a good tense thriller without resorting to people in masks or creepy guys living in the hills. And considering a majority of this movie is just two people sitting side-by-side on the plane, thats a hell of an accomplishment.

There's a lot of crap in the video stores these days and this one is definitely not one of those pieces of crap. Check this one out for sure.

Eddie Cibrian is the man... not really

The Cave

Official MovieGuy review:
* *

I've mentioned it before that I am a huge movie nut and an even bigger nut over b-movies. The Cave is almost a b-movie. What keeps it from becoming one is the fact that all of the actors in it don't realize that they're in a bad movie and therefore try to act seriously, when everything around them cannot be taken so.

The Cave has everything going for it too. Great set-up. Great scenery and setting. Great tense moments. What it doesnt have going for it is a stellar cast of made-for-TV actors and a monster that I think was made from leftovers of the Queen Alien from Aliens, the Predator, the thing from Jeepers Creepers and the velociraptor from Jurassic Park.

The movie centers around a group of cave divers/explorers who are brought in to check out a centuries-old cave inside of a Romanian church. Soon after entering the cave, the group realizes that they arent alone way down underneath the Earth's surface. Mayhem ensues. There is also a subplot with infections happening in this movie that is kind of explained, and not played out well enough to go along with how the movie ended.

I thought this movie had its moments. Both good and bad. While watching it though, and with the way it ended, I couldnt help but think there was about 40 minutes of footage cut out from the movie that probably would have been pivotal to the storyline. Well, 40 minutes might be pushing it. Maybe 15 or so. And there were no deleted scenes on the DVD, so I couldnt even watch them after the fact.

I guess watch this one if you're at the video store and everything else you want to see is already rented. But rent something else with it and watch this first so the second movie can wash the bad taste out of your mouth.

I live my life a quarter nautical mile at a time...

Into the Blue

Official MovieGuy review:
*

I don't know what to say about this one. Its like Fast and the Furious meets most pirate movies. But a million times worse (Not that I thought Fast and the Furious was good either). All I do know, is that Paul Walker is a terrible actor. And Jessica Alba is very hot. And Scott Caan is another terrible actor. And this movie was atrocious. It was badly acted and written. Some of the cinematography is amazing, and you see a lot of Jessica Alba's butt when she's scuba diving, and thats about the only thing this movie has going for it. One star only. And that star is solely for the fact that it seemed that every time she was underwater, Jessica Alba's bathing suit seemed to always find its way up the crack of her butt.

the dead will walk again

Dawn of the Dead

Official MovieGuy review:
* * * 1/2


So, I love zombie movies. I mean, I really love them. They're probably my favourite genre of horror movies. I own quite a few (Dawn of the Dead [original and remake], Night of the Living Dead, Day of the Dead, Land of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, 28 Days Later, Plan 9 From Outer Space, Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2) and can't get enough of them. When I heard there was a remake being made of, probably, the greatest zombie movie of all time, I was a little leery. Surprisingly, this remake is really, really good.

This version of Dawn of the Dead boasts one of the greatest opening scenes in any movie ever. It lasts a good fifteen minutes before the opening credits roll and looks amazing.

Unlike the original, this version has a cast of known and semi-known actors (I am admittedly a big Sarah Polley fan) without having to worry about suffering from the I'm the star, so I don't die-syndrome.

The zombies in this one are pretty awesome too. They are a lot more viscious than previous zombies on screen. Believe it or not, they actually run in this one. At times.

I found this movie incredibly entertaining and probably like it almost as much as the original. It has a great beginning and an amazing, ambiguous ending. I highly recommend this one for anyone who likes a good scare.

I also hear that a remake of Day of the Dead is on the works too. I only hope whoever makes that one can do it's original justice.

"Can you eat uranium?"

Horrors of Spider Island

Official MovieGuy review:
* *

When a troupe of dancers travelling from New York to Singapore crash the plane they're flying in near a destered island, you can only imagine what kinds of trouble they can get into. Not to mention the fact that there is a ton of uranium on the deserted island, and a really big mutated spider that isn't too happy to see them either.

When the girls' manager is bitten by the spider, he turns into a hurry-faced killing machine, bent on killing all of the girls. As they are picked off one-by-one, the girls screech and wail and run around in circles. Luckily, two scientists show up and they try and help out the cause... when they aren't trying to flirt with the ladies.

This movie boasts a hilarious soundtrack. At times sounding like outtake music from Taxi Driver and other times, really bad swing music, and others, really sleazy porn music, there isnt really many places where the music playing fits what is on the screen. But it sure sounds funny.

Needless to say, with a group of eight dancers, on a hot deserted island, there is a lot of running around scantily clad in bras, underwear and bathing suits.

I found this movie quite funyn actually. Pretty good idea for a story, hilariously thrown onto the screen. And the pace and plot of the movie is enough to make one laugh too. What do you do after one of your friends is murdered by a furry-faced man-spider? Why, go skinny dipping of course. And what do you do when your group is slowly being picked off one-by-one after the scientists show up? Well, let's have a dance. Show them boys we don't really know a thing or two about dancing.

A good time had watching this one. Another great B-Movie classic from the 50 Sci-Fi Classics boxed set. Maybe The Wasp Woman today? We shall have to see.

thats a nice tan, Mr. McConaughey

Sahara

Official MovieGuy review
* * 1/2

So, much like Constantine, this one gets the official MovieGuy review of complete mediocrity: two and a half stars. And its not because its really bad. Its just not really good. I like Matthew McConaughey, and he's ok in this one, its just that his really bad tan seemed to take over a lot and it was all I could see whenever he was on screen. And there's something about Steve Zahn that bugs me. And, as i said to my wife, that Penelope Cruz sure is pretty, but what is really annoying about her is that you can hardly ever understand what she's saying. To which my wife replied, some guys like that. I find it hard to make an honest review of this movie because I watched it over the course of four nights, in really short installments (because I kept falling asleep) and I never did see how it ended. My wife filled me in and I said, thanks, but I dont think I'll watch the last twenty minutes. A good mate of mine said the Clive Cussler Dirk Pitt novels (which this movie is based on) are really good. I'll take his word for it. Until then, this movie gets the official MovieGuy review of mediocrity: "It was pretty ok."

who's that under that little red hood?

The Village

Official Movie Guy Review
* * *

I remember going to see Shyamalan's The Sixth Sense in the theatre and being blown away. Then I remember seeing Unbreakable and thinking wow, this guy is really good. Then I saw Signs and went, that's a good movie. Then, finally, I watched The Village the other day, and four for four, I liked it too.

So, a group of old-time settlers live a peaceful live in the valley, never venturing into the woods for fear of Those They Cannot Speak Of wreaking havoc on the town. One of the settlers, played by Joaquin (?) Phoenix decides he wants to venture through to woods to the nearest town to get medicine after one of his friends dies due to the village's lack of medicines. Along the way, he falls in love with a blind girl and gets stabbed by Adrien Brody. The blind girl decides to go through the woods to get medicine to save her love. Mayhem ensues. No spoilers here though.

Overall, not a bad movie. I liked it and was able to stay awake for all of it considering it was a bedtime watcher. I really like Shyamalan's movies, but am finding with each one released, they arent as good as the one before. There are a lot of really good creepy moments in this one, but not as good creepy scenes as in Signs.

Watch it if you're a fan of Shyamalan. Watch it because its a good, entertaining movie. Hope that Shyamalan's new movie Lady in the Water is as good as it sounds and he returns to Sixth Sense territory in terms of awesomeness.

beware Ro-Man

Robot Monster

Official MovieGuy review:
* * * (out of 5)

This gem is something to behold alright. An old sci-fi from the golden era, Robot Monster is a tale about a creature from space (Ro-Man) who is sent to Earth to destroy all humanity. After this task is done, he finds there is a group of survivors who try and stop his tyranny.

This movie is looked at as one of the worst of all time. Next to Wood's Plan 9 From Outer Space, this movie is an equal in many ways. Bad acting. Bad writing. Bad directing. Bad everything.

But, for some reason, I really liked it. I do love the b-movies and I found this one as entertaining as Plan 9.

B-movie lovers, find this one. You'll like it. Everyone else will probably pass, unless you want to watch it just to say you have.

my name is john constantine, asshole

Constantine

Official MovieGuy review:
* * 1/2 (out of five)


Ok, so I'm a big sucker for comic book-based movies. There are some really good ones out there (Sin City, the first two Burton-directed Batman movies, as well as the Nolan-directed one, both Spiderman movies, Daredevil, X-Men 2) and there are some bad ones (Batman Forever, Batman and Robin, Hulk) and then there are the mediocre ones like Constantine. It kind of slips into that, not too bad, but defintely not good category. I tuck it in with the first X-Men movie and Fantastic Four.

John Constantine is a demon hunter. Keeping Hell's minions at bay using all sorts of neat tools (I expecially liked the crucifix shotgun), he is kind of like a new age exorcist. After realizing that there are some really nasty demons trying to break through, the story unfolds that Satan's son is trying to come to Earth and claim it for himself. Mayhem ensues.

Admittedly, I dont know anything about the Hellblazer comics (what the movie is based on) other than what I've read on the internet. What I do know is that Keanu Reeves was a terrible choice for John Constantine, and not even because he looked nothing like Constantine in the comics. He was a bad choice because he looked totally unconvincing while smoking a cigarette - Constantine's trademark.

Rachel Weisz is in this too. She plays some woman and her twin. And that guy from Even Stevens is in it too. And that guy who played the crazy Russian astronaut from Armageddon and Abrussi from Prison Break plays Satan. He was the only one I really liked in this movie.

Now, its not to say I didnt like this movie. Because I did. Kind of. I found it entertaining, but I highly doubt I will ever watch it again. Ever.

Unless they make a sequel.

Do you have anything that shoots bullets?

xXx: State of the Union

Movie Guy review: * (one * out of five)

Wow. As a fan of film, I thought it was kind of funny that the first movie I review on my movie review blog is this one. I could have picked anything. Pulp Fiction, GoodFellas, Raging Bull, Braveheart. But no, I picked this one.

Ok, so, as a film fan, I have to admit that I honestly did like the first xXx movie with Vin Diesel. Some would say that I'm not a true filmer for saying that, but I say, if I can watch a movie, and be entertained, then why not admit I like it.

But this less than worthy sequel is pretty floggin terrible. Ice Cube is in no way a worth successor to Diesel. Lets say its the equivalent of having me be the new xXx.

Every single person in it is wasted, especially Williem Dafoe (who plays too many cheesy bad guys) and Sam Jackson (who hopefully didnt sign on for any more xXx movies).

There is nothing realistic on the screen during this movie. I laughed when Cube trashed the tires off his Shelby mustang (or whatever car that was) and drove it on the rails, chasing a bullet train. Yeah, thats right.

Did i mention that Xzibit is in this movie too?

Avoid at all costs. Trust me.

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