if only there was a chokeslam...

See No Evil

So, Superman Returns was one of the best movies I've seen in a long while. It was classy and entertaining and a well made all around film. It was somewhat of a shock to post a review of a really good movie. And then there was this little gem here.

Vince McMahon is the mastermind behing the WWE (formerly the WWF). He used to solely be a wrestling promoter, but after hot property The Rock was in a couple movies, and Vince was named the executive producer because they were using Dwayne Johnson's wrestling name (The Rock) in the credits, Vince thought it would be good to get into the movie game. This was one of the reasons the WWF because the WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment): Vince wanted to get into more than just wrestling. And See No Evil was the first true WWE affiliated movie project. And who did Vince pluck from his roster of muscle-bound actors to star in his first picture? John Cena? Nope.... his movie is second. Batista? Nope. No, Vince decided to hang the hopes on Kane.

Here's the story: some convicts get sent to a hotel to do some community service to get a month of their sentences. Of course, the top two floors of the hotel are off limits and that's where Kane lives. Did I mention that he (for some reason) has a habit of killing people with axes and plucking their eyeballs out with his fingers? Might have missed that.

So, with no known actors in this movie. The only person I'd heard of in the credits was Kane, and honestly, he should have used his real name so no one knew who it was. But then again, how could you mistake that ugly mug for anyone else?

This movie is bad. Not good bad. Bad bad. Shitty bad. Its not even the kind of bad where I would go, 'This is so bad... Man, I gotta see it again to see if it was as bad as I thought.' It was more like 'Man, that movie was so bad, I'm pretty sure if I had to watch it again, I'd have to pluck out my own eyes... Forget letting Kane do it.... I'm doing it myself.'

Here's the kicker! The movie ends, and the credits roll. I start thinking, 'Thank God thats over' and then another scene starts. It shows Kane's lifeless body lying in the foyer of the hotel, deader than dead, and a dog walks up to the body, sniffs it, and proceeds to urinate on Kane's face. Ironic, isn't it? We're forced to watch shit, while the "star" gets pissed on. How did he end up so lucky?

A steaming pile of crap for this one!