Reviews on the Run

Bandidas

* * *

Salma Hayek? Penelope Cruz? Corsets? Horses? Guns? Bankrobbing? Come on. I know the reviews on the run are short, but this one speaks for itself. The three stars is more about the eye candy than plot substance or acting chops or anything like that. But what eye candy it is! Check it out. Its actually a fun picture. Worth a rental anyway.

Casino Royale

* * * *

Bond is back. And this Bond is badass! Never before have we seen a Bond as raw and rugged as Daniel Craig's new incarnation of the classic movie hero. We all know that Bond movies are good, and that people are paying more attention to the fact there's a new face behind him, so that's what I'm talking about. Craig is a great Bond. I'm a huge fan of Connery. I thought Brosnan was good and classy. But Craig can, and will, take this franchise into a new direction, a direction that will make it new and interesting for a new generation, while keeping the old fans happy. A must-see!

High Five!

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan


* * * 1/2


A month or so ago, I reviewed Team America: World Police and said it was one of the most politically incorrect and hilarious movies I had ever seen. Then Sacha Baron Cohen made Borat, and that previous review changed.

This movie is so over-the-top incorrect, it almost isn't funny. You have to have a sense of humor going into it and you'll end up laughing your ass off. I found myself laughing so hard, I almost couldn't take it. Here's how funny I thought this movie was: I laughed so hard at one of the deleted scenes, that I got a stitch in my side and couldn't catch my breath for a good two to three minutes.

So, here's the story, Borat is a reporter from Kazakhstan and he is sent to America to learn it's culture so he can in return, make his own country better. Along the way, he meets a variety of new friends while searching for the American dream.

Like I said, there are a lot of things in this movie that some may not enjoy. Its almost like watching a Jackass movie, but the super gross stuff is Borat trying to relate to women or Jewish people. There is also a scene where a naked Borat chases the producer of the TV show, who is also naked, through a hotel with a rubber dildo fist. Again, a grain of salt. There are so many things I would like to tell you about this movie too, but will not because I do not necessarily share the same opinions as Borat.

I honestly think people should see this movie. It is honestly one of the funniest movies to come out in a really long time and I can only hope that Sacha Baron Cohen will continue to make good movies like this one and pass on stuff like Talladega Nights.

Three cheers for Borat. Three and a half stars for the movie.

plot twist a go-go

Unknown

* * 1/2

I always get a kick out of what people write on DVD cases. On the back on Unknown, someone says it is "in the same vein as The Usual Suspects and Memento." Here's what I say: if it weren't for either of those movies, Unknown would be an Oscar worthy picture. Since those other two movies already exist, this movie ends up being just an ok movie.

I don't have a problem with movies that have plot twists. Sometimes, there are too many. I remember watching The Recruit with Colin Farrell and Al Pacino and thinking that movie had WAY too many twists and turns. This one has the right amount, its just that its almost like you can start seeing the pieces fall into place based on casting. When you have a cast such as there is in Unknown, you can start guessing right off the bat who is good and who is bad and who is a cop and who is setting up someone else.

I liked the outright premise of this movie though. When I first saw a trailer for it, I thought it looked intriguing. Five strangers wake up in an abandoned warehouse. No one remembers anything about who they are or how they got there. There a couple of clues in the warehouse, but the bad guys are on their way, and times running out.

This movie is just ok. If you've seen The Usual Suspects or Memento before, this is nothing new for you. Otherwise, it isn't a bad movie. Its only 85 minutes long, so give it a chance I guess. I've just seen this movie way too many times already. And is it just me, or is anyone else getting sick of seeing Peter Stormare playing a bad guy?

attack on barrow 13

District 13

* * 1/2

On the DVD jacket for this movie, some critic describes this movie as a cross between Ong-bak and Escape from New York. Well, I'm a critic, and I say this movie is a cross between Crank, Run Lola Run and Escape From New York. Now, taking that into consideration, if you crossed all three of those movies into one movie to make District 13, said movie is still not as good as any of the three mentioned above.

The story is this: in a futuristic Paris circa 2010, walls have been erected to keep criminals in and the non-criminals out. When a nuclear warhead goes missing, one cop (Damien) is sent in to recover the missile and kick some ass at the same time. He's sent in with a man named Leito, who was born in District 13, and who's sister has been kidnapped by big bad boss, Taha. Cue mayhem.

The big problem I have with this movie is that it seems like it should be nothing but pure octane, high fuelled action. But its not. There are a lot of dragging scenes that are streched out in between the fighting sequences, which are good, but not as good as, say, in Ong-bak. Also, a lot of this movie seems borrowed. There is nothing original in this movie. The fighting is a hybrid of action/stunt stuff which makes it seem like outtakes from a Jackie Chan movie. And believe it or not, there's a hulking character named Yeti, that the two heroes must fight towards the end of the movie that is so similar to the Ox Baker/Kurt Russell fight scene in Escape From New York, it isn't even funny.

I give this one two and a half stars: the ultimate rating of mediocrity. Neat idea. Neat stunts. The actor who plays Damien looks like a low-rent white Vin Diesel. It was just ok for me. In honor of American Idol, I'll quote Randy Jackson for my official review of this one: "Yo, yo, yo. I gotta tell ya. You know, it was just awight. You know. I wasn't feelin it. It was kind of pitchy in spots. It wasn't your [France's] best performance [exported action film]. You know... Aw man. It was just awight for me."

See it if you want, but I would have rather watched Die Hard 2.

PS-- Die Hard 2 is my least favourite of the Die Hard series.

something stinks... like poop

Reeker

So, if you were making a horror movie, and you had your choice of all five senses to choose from the scare people with, and bear in mind you're making a movie, would you choose smell? Cause I know I wouldn't.

But that's the premise of Reeker. A really bad "horror" movie.

A group of teenagers on their way to a rave get caught up in this smelly creature's murderous path. You don't really know when he's coming, all you know is that something smells really, really bad. Then he kills you. Or tries to.

I normally am in a real mood to make fun of movies like this, but I don't know what to say about Reeker. Its really bad. I know that. The acting is brutal. Surprisingly, when I IMDB'd the director, he had made other movies. Which were all terrible sounding. And it starred Eric Mabius, who is in Ugly Betty now.

I normally don't partake in spoilers either, but its hard to review this movie without doing so. So here goes: everything in this movie isn't real. It ends up, by the time you waste 90 minutes sitting there, staring unbelievably at the television, that the kids were in a car crash and someone (you don't really know who) imagines this whole movie as what really happened instead of a car crash. It really sucks. Its like, if someone wanted to make The Usual Suspects into a horror movie and Keyser Sose was a fart cloud. And the guy from Ugly Betty was the Baldwin.

Thank the heavens I don't rent these movies. Because for every deuce i throw on a movie, I think I would probably have to ask for my rental money back. I need to come across some more good, bad horror movies instead of these just plain fucking terrible horror movies.

Please, for the love of stink, avoid this movie.